Local Prick Keeps All His Tesco Blue Charity Tokens


IN a bid to make sure that no local charities receive funding that he contributed to in any way, local dickface Martin Whelahan has amassed dozens upon dozens of blue charity tokens from his shopping excursions to Tesco.

Whelahan, described locally as ‘a fucking dose’, has never dropped any of the blue tokens into the clear plastic chutes on the way out the door of his nearby branch of Tesco Express, stating that he doesn’t really want either the local dog pound or St. Clarett’s Boys school’s music program to benefit from his purchases of Pot Noodles and toilet tissue.

Even though staff have explained to him that they divvy up their charitable donations equally and that the blue token is just a bit of harmless fun, Whelahan confirmed to WWN that he is at best ‘taking no chances’ and at worse actively making sure that the needy causes remain needy.

“I have stack of them at home. Stacks,” laughed Whelahan, 34 years into his sad lonely life on this planet.

“Sometimes I stand there acting like I’m indecisive, like ‘hmmm, will I give my blue token to the local kids sports team, or will I give it to the blind old people’ or whatever the fuck there is… I’ll stand there like I’m trying to make sure that the amount in each tube is equal, so that everyone gets the same amount of money, even though I prefer one charity to the next and then I just wander off with the blue token for myself. Fuck everyone. What have they ever done for me?”

Whelahan has also admitted that he has used the same daffodil for Daffodil Day for the past five years, and that he refuses to play the Lotto because the thoughts of some basketball court in a disadvantaged area getting re-surfaced with his money keeps him up at night.