Mould Found In Back Of Family Car May Hold Key To Cure For All Diseases

IN what has been described as potentially the greatest breakthrough in medical science since the discovery of penicillin, researchers have confirmed that the greying, viscous matter collected from the back of a Waterford family’s 2006 Citroen C4 may contain the key to eradicating every sickness on the planet.

The mould, found in great abundance in the back seat and footwell area of Derek and Martina McCrimmon’s family car is believed to have cultivated itself over the past 36 months, throughout the lives of their son Mal, 3 and their infant daughter Sally, aged 6 months.

Containing equal parts crumbs, spit-up, old jellies and Kinder Surprise toy pieces, the healing properties of the miracle goop was first recognised after Derek McCrimmon, 36, noticed that his flu symptoms seemed to abate when he was driving his family around in the Citroen, which currently has 4 months left on its NCT.

“When I pulled up at the house, I checked the back seat and found all manner of shite,” said McCrimmon, sifting through dozens of empty Fruit Shoot bottles underneath the driver seat of his car.

“So I brought a bit of it in to a lad I know who works for Pfizer, and they discovered that it’s like, penicillin on fucking steroids. It’ll cure AIDS, cancer, baldness, you name it. Only problem is, they need more so they can study it properly, so parents around the country are being asked to check the back seat of their cars to see if they can contribute”.

Parents are being warned that while some moulds in the cars may be medically miraculous, some may just be really, really old poop.