Failure To Read This Article May Result In Your Social Welfare Payments Being Cut


RECIPIENTS of social welfare payments are strongly urged to read this article in its entirety or face the forfeiture of part or all of their weekly allowances, in accordance with a new subsection of an article of Irish law which was ushered through by lobbyists representing the interests of WWN in conjunction with the department of social welfare.

The details of this article will be encased in purposefully difficult, mildly threatening passive-aggressive phrases in a bid to keep job seekers reading until the very end, well, job seekers who wish to retain their full benefits every month at least.

The mandatory ruling that states this article must be read in full by those who are currently out of work is neither mandatory nor a ruling, but by paragraph three of any given article presented to a Jobseeker in an email or on a flyer, aforementioned jobseeker has statistically stopped reading and is currently racing down to the end of the letter to see how they can comply as quickly as possible so that they can retain the meagre payments that sustain them on a week by week basis.

As such, if this article uses the word ‘mandatory’, that’s enough to convince people that the actions demanded by WWN are mandatory by law, and in most cases they will comply without question.

Furthermore, WWN requires all job seekers who have read this article to comment in the sections below, including their date of birth, address and social security number. This is information that WWN, a third party not affiliated with any government department, can use as, and how it sees fit, including but not limited to the sale of these details to another agency. Failure to comply with this could result in a cut to your jobseekers benefits. We’re not saying it will, we’re just saying it might. Can you afford to find out? Or would you just rather play it safe and do what we tell you? We thought so.

Long-term unemployed people are also required to perform all actions mentioned in this article, but we’re not going to lose much sleep if they don’t. Our government friends have swayed us to the thinking that there’s just some people in society that you write off. The rest of you, the ones who fell out of the workforce during the economic downturn, you’re the ones we need to keep in line. Don’t get too comfortable there on the dole. Do what we say or we might have you cut off.

If we say read an article, read the article.

If we say stand on one foot, you ask us which foot.

Failure to do so could result in a criminal prosecution. Oh, you don’t think we have that kind of power? We’re in bed with the social welfare crowd. If we tell you we have the power, who are you to question it? Do you want to be a criminal? Do you need that, on top of your money troubles? Just do what we say, read what we tell you to read, show up at the training programmes for shit you learned in school 20 years ago, and take whatever shelf-stacking job you’re given.

Otherwise, next week’s cheque could be a tenner shy.

You’ve been warned.