How To Cope With Social Housing Being Built In Your Area


IT is the great predicament of our age. You buy a house only for your locality to be surrounded by a deluge of anti-social housing projects which threaten the exorbitant price of your house. What is a concerned individual to do?

Of course it goes without saying if you could give a person in need your house you would, your heart bleeds for these people. And of course on the other hand, you’d never do anything like that, much less welcome those sorts of people into your local community.

You’ve chained yourself to a bulldozer. You’ve called in a favour with that councillor you know who has a drug problem. You even contemplated writing a letter to the editor to the Irish Times but now your options are exhausted. This is really happening.

Which poses the question, how does one cope when against all odds and objections, social housing becomes a fixture of your local area?

Exert caution

First off, it’s wise to acknowledge just how wild and feral a beast the person who lives in a house provided by the State can be, which is why we strongly advise you only ever walk past an estate of this kind outside of the hours of 00-24hrs. Deep breaths, that’s it, it will all be okay.

Radio silence

Unfortunate enough to find yourself in a dreaded mixed-build? Well, after you’re done vomiting from the stress and fear, try, as best you can to never talk or communicate with the so-housers. Any prolonged exposure to getting to know them could affect the functionality of your brain, in the worst cases, many upstanding members of the home owning community have been known to be brainwashed into thinking their so-houses neighbours are people too.

A peace offering

There is no way around it, in order to ensure these creatures don’t murder you, you must offer them something of material worth. Park your car in their driveway, and fill it with jewellery and other valuables with a note attached saying ‘I hope we can live in peace alongside one another’. Then, when they accept the offering, ring the guards and tell them your car has been stolen and don’t forget to mention how important you are.

Torch their gaff

‘Gaff’, the strange term used by plebs to describe a dwelling is rife for burning down to the ground. This tactic has multiple benefits, you reinforce the scientific fact that ‘their sort’ never look after anything they’re given for free, and you force them out of your area.

Weep endlessly

Mourn the loss of safety and tranquility you enjoyed before these convicted criminals with 47 children by 59 separate fathers moved in and drove the price of your house down so much that its value is only increasing by 5% every quarter.