Meet The Woman Kim Jong-Un Is Trying To Impress By Starting A Nuclear War
IN the wake of yet another worrying missile launch by North Korea, this time over the mainland of Japan, WWN reached out to the woman who many believe is the reason for Kim Jong-Un attempts to drag the world into an apocalyptic nuclear war.
While many will struggle to reconcile with the fact that potentially billions of lives are at risk due to Kim Jong-Un’s fascination with a woman, North Korean experts are unequivocal in their belief that the recent flurry of missile launches are all part of a bid by Jong-Un to impress a woman he has fallen in love with.
“Yeah, that tubby tyrant is a real horn dog and we intercepted North Korean communications which confirmed Kim failed in his initial attempt to woo an America tourist he spotted through his binoculars visiting the DMZ, and sought more elaborate ways to impress her. God help us all if she continues to show no interest,” confirmed security expert Richard J. Jones.
But who is the woman that has Jong-Un so smitten? WWN went to find out.
Jessica Billings, a New York waitress, is hesitant to talk at first, fearing that if we gave away any clues to her whereabouts the North Korean despot would try to find her and potentially kidnap her. However, the 23-year-old, who works in Fantino’s Italian Bistro on the corner of 164th street and 73rd avenue in Queens and resides in the apartment above it need not worry.
“I was visiting a friend in Seoul and she wanted to go to the DMZ, take a look at the border, see what the fuss was about. Then out of nowhere this overweight guy with a bad haircut starts talking to me,” Billings explains.
Jong-Un is famously reluctant to expose himself to risk, so his presence at the DMZ speaks volumes as to the effect Billings had on him.
What followed once Billings returned to New York is a little uncomfortable to describe. A cursory glance at Billings’ Instagram account shows the typically boring and inane selfies that dominate the platform, however, with each post there is a recurring presence. Heart emoji after heart emoji. Aubergine emoji after Aubergine emoji. Appeals to accept Facebook friend requests. All from the same account, one ‘Supreme Leader’. While we’re all familiar with the first flutters of love and infatuation, Kim Jong-Un has in the words of experts ‘come on a little too fucking strong and is frankly desperate’.
And then the worrying indication that Kim Jong-Un felt he had struck upon a way to impress the 23-year-old: “You think you know me, you don’t. I’m a big deal, I’ll show” and within hours Kim Jong-Un launched a series of missiles. “Did you see it? Pretty cool, right. You could pick any place and I’ll totally level it for you” read one comment below a selfie of Billings post-workout, posing with a frappaccino.
“I was kinda of weirded out by the guy, I mean, have you ever met anyone who within seconds of talking to you is promising to send an army out to kill anyone who would besmirch me? And then he’s all like ‘name a country beginning with B’ and I’m like ‘why?’ and he’s like ‘don’t worry about it, just wondering would you miss Belgium if it wasn’t there in the morning?’. The guys a bit weird,” Billings added, still a little uncomfortable with the fact the world lurches towards total destruction just because Jong-Un wants to take her to funkytown.
“He actually called it ‘mutually beneficial love exchange town’, I guess they’re not big on funk in North Korea,” Billings explained, “for those brief 60 seconds we talked, he took me for a romantic stroll around the most heavily militarised area in the world but had to stop seconds into it after running out of breath. There wasn’t much to find sexy, ya know? Plus what kind of chat up line is ‘I’m a dictator, are you a dick-taker’, honestly?”
While a difficult question to pose, WWN asked if Billings had considered giving in to Jong-Un’s affections for the sake of humanity. Taking some time to consider the question, the selfish bitch declined such notions, seemingly happy with endless missile tests that would eventually result in us all evaporating in an intense nuclear blast.
“At one point, yes, I would have considered, he has an adorable cherub quality to him. He said he would lose weight and get a new haircut, but every time I see him on TV, he’s getting heavier, I feel the trust between us is broken,” Billings admitted, who is curiously a 6 out of 10 at best, according to leading groups of horny teenage boys.