Bon Jovi Now 9/10ths Of The Way There

AGEING rock band Bon Jovi have updated their classic hit ‘Livin’ On A Prayer’ to better reflect their advancing years, estimating that they are now at least nine tenths of the way to retirement/death.

Released over thirty years ago, Livin’ On A Prayer catapulted the band to superstardom launching a career which provided the soundtrack for every hay-baling season in Ireland since the mid-80s.

However, the lyrics suggested that the band were ‘halfway there’, something that is certainly no longer true any more. As such, the new lyrics will be used every time the band plays the song from now on, starting with their upcoming farewell tour, believed to be the first of nine farewell tours planned over the coming decade.

“Due to legal requirements, we cannot claim to be halfway there anymore when we’re truthfully nearly there already,” said lead singer Jon Bon Jovi, 87, while coughing up some phlegm before swallowing it again, “so, we’ve estimated that we’re now nine tenths of the way ‘there’.

“I’m happy in a way as there will be no more singing the same ten hits over and over again to an ever-diminishing fan base; no more going out and pretending to be in my 20s again. Just an end… Jesus Christ, it can’t come fucking soon enough”.

‘Bon Jovi: Another Greatest Hits Collection That’s Identical To The Last One But With One Shit New Song’ is in shops now.