Most Giraffes Found To Be Lanky Spotty Cunts


OH they talk a good game, giraffes. Garnering accolades such as ‘majestic’ from the Attenboroughs of this world… but a new report has shed a damning light on those who the rest of the animal kingdom refer to as “them big fuckin’ pricks”.

“Ugh, look at me, I’m a giraffe, I’m tall and skinny and I have stupid fucking blunt horns for no good God damn reason,” muttered one gazelle we talked to.

“You humans think these lads are graceful? Look, I’ve seen them after nine or ten pints, the shit they come out with is disgusting. Really racist stuff, like you wouldn’t believe what they say about the rhino. Real nasty shit”.

Among the must-see animals on zoo lists and children’s ‘Learn Animals’ books, giraffes rank right up there with elephants and lions in the pantheon of ‘top five animals you can name’ genre.

Today’s damning report has suggested that their behaviour towards other animals should knock them down the list quite a bit, giving up their place to animals such as the ocelot, who is apparently quite the charmer if surveys are to be believed.

“All the animals in the wild, and humans think giraffes are sound?” scoffed a monkey we talked to, between bouts of him picking his hole and getting right up there.

“Fucking stuck-up long-necked spot-covered skinny-legged all-hexagons long-tongued twats. Fuck giraffes. Have a chat with a tapir, like, they’re much better craic. Why are we not showing tapirs in schools? Why giraffes? Fuck giraffes. Pencil-necked douchebags. Humans, you need to have some respect for yourselves, seriously”.

Attempts to communicate with a giraffe on the matter proved fruitless, as giraffes continue to be way, way higher than they need to be.