Forcing Intoxicated People Out Of Bars At 2am Working Out Perfectly


A NEW study into closing times in Ireland and its knock-on effects on intoxicated people has found that everything seems to be working out perfectly, and that there’s ‘nothing to worry about at’all, at’all’ when it comes to ‘violence, or any of that craic’ that happens on a regular basis outside chippers and clubs.

The study, which found that 97% of all public order offenders were intoxicated, stated that everything is ‘grand’, and not to worry your pretty little head about it until you actually become a victim.

“Ah, sure look it, we could point out that one in 11 people in Ireland have been assaulted by someone who was intoxicated, but then where would the fun in that be?” lead researcher of the study, Professor Timmy Ryan told WWN, “or we could even say that 50% of homicide cases were under the influence of alcohol, but sure isn’t it our culture? I wouldn’t worry about it lads, be grand sure”.

A link was also found between selling high-content alcohol drinks in bars and clubs, and then suddenly not selling them at 2am, forcing every intoxicated person onto the street to queue for poorly prepared fast food restaurants.

“This is probably a coincidence, but drunken violence seems to happen around the same time as all the drunk people are shoved out onto the street to feed; like cattle at the top of a trough,” Prof Ryan added, “I’m sure it will be fine with a few more drink aware TV campaigns.

“Other than that, I can’t think of any other solution to solving the violence issue at closing time, apart from maybe not having one? But that would just make way too much sense”.