Fidget Spinners: Everything You Need To Know


FIRST, everyone needs to remain calm. To understand fidget spinning, we as a people need to tackle it in a calm, reasonable manner without panic or hysteria. This will be difficult, but we must at least try.

For those of you who have not yet encountered fidget spinners, we can ask that you brace yourselves. We are in the middle of a crisis the likes of which have not been seen since clackers, a crisis that is going to make Heelies look like the fucking hula-hoop.

Every child you meet on the streets may have a fidget spinner on their person.

Even your own child may have dabbled in fidget spinning, or may indeed be in possession of a fidget spinner or multiple fidget spinners.

Under no circumstances should you attempt to fidget spin if you are pregnant, are operating machinery, or are above the age of 17.

We do not recommend trying to understand the act of fidget spinning, or why it has surged in popularity; these things are not questions that mere mortals can hope to comprehend.

If you find yourself in the vicinity of a fidget spinner, try to lie as low as you can. Crawl or roll to a safe area and remain there until a member of the police comes to get you.

Do not look a fidget spinner directly in the eye.

Do not spin a fidget spinner after 12 midnight, and do not get a fidget spinner wet.

The fidget spinning craze is set to last at least another four days. If we all pull together, we may just survive.