5 Things Hitler Never Did


WITH WHITE PRESS Secretary Sean Spicer’s comments relating to the fact Hitler never sank as low as to use chemical weapons on innocent people, WWN’s newly installed resident historian Sean Spicer has unearthed a further five things Adolf Hitler absolutely never did during his tenure as mild mannered leader and saviour of the German people.

1) Swear

Hitler was many things, but he never raised his voice and just didn’t have it in him to curse. He was no potty mouth, according to Spicer. Comparing Hitler to Bashar al-Assad is hardly fair on the Austrian, is it? Assad looks like a man who is capable of uttering a good ‘fuck’ now and again.

2) Invade Poland

Pick up a history book folks, Spicer implores, and you’ll see Poland has a long uninterrupted history of sovereignty. Is Spicer referring to himself in the third person? Yes. Can we say that of Syria, the sovereignty part not the the third person part? Perhaps, in the future if that monster/Hitler on steroids Assad was out of the picture. It’s important to retain a balanced perspective when assessing the heinous acts of moustached maniacs.

3) Star in a tone deaf Pepsi ad

Hitler was many, many things. A great deal of things. His cup runneth over with bad things, Sean Spicer has not disputed this, however, Hitler has a perfect record when it comes to refusing to co-opt the feelings and concerns of a movement and using it for his own gain. Nope, that is something we can only associate with Pepsi.

4) Lie about crowd sizes like the left-leaning mainstream liberal media do

Hitler could draw a crowd, and crowd drawers back then as is the case with drawers of crowds today, have to suffer the indignity of having their crowd sizes disputed. Knowing history like I do, I think I can say with certainty that Hitler, having had the media object to his mammoth crowd numbers, would not return the favour and dispute the crowd size of anyone. That sort of thing was beneath him.

5) Offer the perfect distraction so that no one is talking about the Trump administration’s alleged ties to Russia or any of the near endless problems and cock ups

Hitler is simply incapable of doing such things from beyond the grave. Others, however…