FROM the moment he stepped through the front door of Brown Thomas, past a doorman with a top-hat like what you’d see in a moving picture or something, coffee-lover and card-carrying culchie Martin Finnegan knew that he had bitten off more than he could chew, WWN can confirm.
Seeking to buy pods for a Nespresso machine that he got as a gift at Christmas, culchie native Finnegan eschewed the option to buy them online and opted instead to ‘tip into’ the prestigious Dublin department store the ‘next time he was in town’, due to the opulent store currently being the only retailer with an agency to sell genuine Nespresso pods.
“I could have gotten spurious ones in Lidl, but I thought sure when you’ve the nice machine get the nice coffee” said Finnegan, who had recently blown through the supply of pods that came with the machine.
“But now that I’m here, I can confirm that I’m way out of my comfort zone. This is not a place for people like me. There’s a lad over there selling handbags for more than I paid for my first three cars combined. Everyone looks like they want to throw me out of the building. And I’m 100% sure I shouldn’t have worn my work boots that are covered in cowshite”.
As he made his way to the Nespresso section of the labyrinthian shop, Finnegan admits that he thought of turning back and fleeing, perhaps even diving out a window.
“I just feel like shouting ‘I have a job, honest’ as I walk through,” sobbed Finnegan, who just wants to get the pods and ‘get the fuck out of BT ASAP’.
“Why, why in the name of Christ do I have to come here every time I want to buy coffee? Even if you go to the smaller shops, it’s the same. I’m going to buy like 900 of the fucking things to do me for the rest of the year, or stick the cursed machine on Done Deal and never come back here again”.
With the trip to Brown Thomas serving as a stark warning, culchies across Ireland have been advised to buy a Tassimo machine or some other coffee maker which doesn’t require you to have a double-barrelled surname to buy refill pods.
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