World War III To Be Fought Solely On Twitter


AS the world has entered a period of nuclear uncertainty not seen since the days of the Cold War, fears are growing that the declaration of World War III could lead to the decimation of the Earth’s population in a swift but decisive nuclear fire, scorching billions to death in the blink of an eye while the survivors pray for a merciful end as they claw blindly around a poisoned world, under a freezing, blackened sky.

However, war-experts have today announced that should WWIII break out, it’s far more likely to be fought in 140-character battles on popular micro-blogging site Twitter, as winning a fight online means much more to people than any actual military victory.

“Bullets, bombs, trenches and battle lines… that’s how your dad fought a war,” said Dr. Irvine Harrilton, military strategist and author of Twitter: The Final Frontline.

“Today, a victory doesn’t mean you’ve vanquished your enemy, taken his lands or crippled his infrastructure; if you can launch a vicious strike using a GIF or a meme that discredits him and totally makes him look like a fucking idiot, you’re the winner”.

Spearheading the Tweet arms race is the United States, who have invested heavily in creating an army of belligerent, fact-ignoring Twitter users who can claim victory over their foes, not just by being better than them, but by simply overwhelming them with wave after wave of tactical nonsense until the enemy simply gives in and concedes.

“Of course, the US has a leader who pioneered the art of Twitter warfare,” said Dr. Harrilton, drawing attention to the Twitter handle of POTUS 45.

“Stealth assaults. Sneak attacks. Brute force invasions of your timeline. These people have no need to launch nuclear missiles at their enemies, when they can just annihilate them online. RTs and FAVs, those are the real medals these days. But of course, there will always be casualties. Burns. Sick burns, the kind of sick burns you just don’t walk away from. After all, this is war”.

“And war, war never changes”.