Avoca Products Found To Contain Really Posh Bacteria


SEVERAL Avoca products have been flagged by the Food Safety Authority of Ireland for containing Listeria, described by Avoca as ‘a stunning, artisanal bacteria guaranteed to trigger deep emotions in those lucky enough to be able to afford it’.

Batches of hummus and colcannon, both believed to be infused with delicate, subtle notes of the bacteria were recalled from shelves over the weekend, leading to a massive surge in their popularity among the foodie community.

Although the inclusion of the dangerous bacteria in the products was not intentional, sources close to Avoca have hinted that they may include Listeria in more items due to demand from food snobs who prefer exclusive culinary experiences to not having the thundering shits for a fortnight.

“Limited edition Listeria-infected hummus? I’ll take ten!” said Marqus Sheila O’Mahony, food blogger and hat wearer.

“I hear that the flavour of the rep pepper and e-coli hummus is incredible, as one would expect from hummus that costs more than most people pay for steak. And the gastrointestinal discomfort that follows? Uh-mazing. Expect a full series of blogs from my blog as soon as I can get my hands on some!”

Meanwhile, the beloved food website Lovin’ Dublin has written more than 50 articles on the new Avoca ‘Füd Pœson’ line, with titles such as ‘We Got The Avoca Shits And We Loved It’ and ‘Northside Scumbags Only Wish They Could Afford The Avoca Shits’.