New Employment Figures Fail To Include Nixers, Assures Government

NEWS that unemployment figures are falling, and thousands of people are trapped in low-paying part-time jobs has been met with jubilation by the government, who have added that anyone not making enough money ‘probably has a few nixers on the go’.

Statistics released today show that while employment is on the rise, up to 100,000 of the jobs are cut-hours contracts with substantially lower pay, forcing the employee to seek state assistance to shore up their income.

Beaming from ear to ear, Taoiseach Enda Kenny delivered a speech today in which he began by stating that “you had me at ‘unemployment is on the rise'”, sweeping away any concerns about the long-terms prospects of Ireland’s job market.

“Let’s face it, they probably have a few nixers that they’re just not telling anyone about,” said Kenny, fist-pumping the air.

“Like your average single mother working a zero-hour contract in Dunnes… she probably does a bit of hairdressing or cleaning at the weekend for cash on the hip. And these lads here that are working just 18 hours a week in job-shares in a call centre… they’re bound to have a nixer on the go, painting houses or whatever. It’s grand. Jesus Christ lads, it’s good news. Stop sickening my hole”.