Ed Sheeran Gigs Give Miserable Bastard Something To Complain About


A WATERFORD based miserable bastard has rejoiced at the news international singer-songwriting sensation Ed Sheeran will once again be playing a concert in Ireland.

Keith Charland, a miserable bastard of some repute, had been at a loss all morning as to where he should focus all his bubbling anger, until he clapped eyes on the news Sheeran would play two dates in Dublin’s 3 Arena, which are sure to sell out within minutes of going on sale.

Sheeran, who is almost universally loved for his inoffensive brand of musical notes and melodies, was labelled by Charland as a ‘lava-headed fuck puppet’ in a vitriolic Facebook rant that seemed to unintentionally imply sexual desire towards Sheeran.

“Can’t believe you eejits actually like his music,” Charland added with each aimless barb releasing endorphins throughout his body, numbing his general distaste for everything other people can derive any joy from.

“I’d rather shove shit in my ears than listen to him,” Charland continued, coming dangerously close to cheering himself up with how miserable the news of the concerts had made him feel.

“Of fucking course she likes them, the dope,” Charland noted of a Facebook friend who used Facebook to express her happiness at Sheeran’s announcement.

Speaking to WWN, Charland speculated he could look forward to about 10 hours of stewing negatively over the news that a man will sing in Dublin in April.

“To be honest, it’s just nice to have something new to give out about. It’s a nice change, getting irrationally annoyed at that ginger prick,” Charland concluded.