Guiliani To Find Hackers After Mastering How To Open Link In New Tab


FORMER New York mayor and newly-appointed ‘cyber-terrorism czar’ Rudy Giuliani is all set to bring those responsible for hacking attacks on the US to justice, having recently learned the intricacies of right-clicking, opening a link in a new tab, and minimising a window without ‘x-ing’ out of everything and losing an hour’s work.

As part of president-elect Donald Trump’s administration, the 72-year-old information super-highway guru will bring down the full extent of his Internet Explorer browser on the Russian hackers who interfered with US infrastructure in a bid to swing November’s election towards their preferred candidate, Donald Trump.

Typing with just both index fingers, Giuliani sent the following statement out to the assembled press today, after an unsuccessful attempt to do so yesterday in which he just typed everyone’s name into the address bar instead of their email addresses.

“All hackers and nerds better watch out, Rudy’s on the case,” wrote Giuliani, mailing from a computer that his son left in the spare room when he moved out.

“I will have you all deleted from the internet. I know people who work in Microsoft who can do that. All of you who are hacking are in for some big trouble. Your computers will be shut down. I know all of your real names and addresses”.

Giuliani then had a game of Solitaire and a nap.

“I’m just so deep”, added Mills. “People need people like me, sharing quotes like this. I bring wisdom and truth to their lives. I mean, look, my profile pic is Che Guevara. Need I say more?”