“Fuck This, I’m Switching To Long Ball” Confirms Guardiola


MANCHESTER CITY manager and well renowned fraud, Pep Guardiola, has sensationally revealed he intends to change his football philosophy after his side’s 4-0 trouncing by Everton yesterday.

“Fuck this, I’m switching to long ball,” Guardiola confirmed in his post-match press conference before instructing the City hierarchy to do everything to sign Peter Crouch and Marouane Fellaini before the January transfer window shuts.

Guardiola ruled out a move for Andy Carroll, after the West Ham player displayed a hint of skill and technique in his performance against Crystal Palace at the weekend.

It is believed City has approached Dion Dublin and Duncan Ferguson to sound the ex-pros out about a return to the game.

“I have been humbled,” the City manager added, his head now buried in his hands, “I thought I could pass the ball, encourage crazy concepts like attractive football and something called ‘new ideas’. I was wrong, yes? I see that now. Does anyone know if Rory Delap can still do those long throws?” Guardiola added, appealing to the assembled journalists.

Leading footballing minds encouraged the public not to be too hard on Guardiola, with visionary football philosopher Paul Merson confirming “it’s not his fault he’s foreign and soft. You don’t win nothing in England with foreigners”.

Guardiola has won renewed praise from football purists when he confirmed that he would still play out from the back, however, it would now consist of kicking the ball as long and as hard as possible at the head of a very tall striker.