What Does Your Christmas Tree Say About You?


THE eternal question that has plagued publications who need to figure out Christmas-related ways to get you to click on their sites and exploit your joy for much needed revenue. This is a subject that has been on the lips of 4, maybe 5 people tops and the debate is totes intense; what does your choice of Christmas tree say about you?


You’re basically a racist Holocaust denier in most people’s books to be honest. Plastic? Like your soul, no doubt. ‘Oh, but we’re helping the environment’. Eh, sorry pal when it comes to displays of Christmas cheer, the environment can get fucked. How do you sleep at night?

Going to reuse last year’s one

Spray painting the hollowed out carcass of a once vibrant tree green isn’t fooling anyone. But, you’ve certainly earned your reputation as a stingy fucker.

A tree over 10 feet in height

This is the clearest visual representation of the fact that you and your family are better than everyone and don’t even need to prove it with over the top gestures; you’re better than your neighbours, your work colleagues, that fuck Tommy O’Dwyer, who got a lightsaber for Christmas in 1981 when your parents said Santa wasn’t bringing them to any kids in Ireland.

One that costs €100

There were cheaper ones on display, that were just as good looking if not better, but then you wouldn’t have been able to bitch and moan over the holidays to anyone who would listen about how you were ‘ripped off by fuckin’ cowboys with no shame whatsoever’.

A sparkly plastic one that’s red or pink instead of green

Some people have no sense of shame.