The WWN Black Friday Survival Guide


BOARD up your windows folks, that time of year is upon us again; Black Friday, the most dreaded of days happens tomorrow.

A demonic American tradition that made its way to our shores clinging to the inner tube of a tyre, Black Friday is the day when the entire retail industry casts a hypnotic trance over the citizens of Ireland and tricks them into believing that they really, really want a flat-screen TV that’s exactly the same price as it was two months ago.

Of course, WWN recommends that everyone simply stays at home and ignores this storm, but if you absolutely need to go shopping for a pair of trousers for a wedding on Sunday or a kettle or whatever, then we suggest the following:

1) Cut yourself across the forehead with a sharp knife

People tend to avoid anyone profusely bleeding from the face, and will stand back and allow them to pass. This will work in your favour as you navigate shops offloading old stock under the guise of ‘red hot bargains’, and as long as you don’t nick yourself too deeply you shouldn’t need stitches. Note: avoid purchasing clothes if using this method.

2) Cut someone else across the forehead with a sharp knife

Alternatively, you can do your shopping unscarred if you simply mug the first person you see when you enter the shop, a signal to everyone else there that you’re not to be fucked with.

3) Wait until Monday

Really, is it worth being around that many people, to save 5 euro on a George Foreman grill?