WWN Guide To Blowing Your Hand Off With A Firework

SOME people fail to plan their purchase and use of fireworks to such an extent that they don’t have the most basic knowledge on how to blow their hand or the hand of a friend, family member or stranger off.

Luckily WWN has compiled a handy guide on the matter, leaving no one in doubt as to how to make counting to 10 on your hands that much harder.

Where to buy

If you want to guarantee your hand will be blown off, any lad selling fireworks out of the back of a van should do the trick. Not only are the prices low, but he will enforce a strict ‘if you lose a finger, I’ll be fucked if it’s my fault’ policy.

Name brands

Make sure to buy cheap name brands with the fake CE quality mark. The less it looks like the really trustworthy brand’s logo the better. And if your local firework merchant has the latest ‘massive yoke and that makes a huge bang and that’ from China, be sure to purchase 10 and strap them together.

Don’t go up the North

The drive up can be a hassle, there’s a lad we know, who knows the lad selling them out the back of his van, you’d be mad to buy them in an actual shop.

Cut the fuse shorter to add a bit of danger into your life

The fuses on fireworks and bangers are notoriously long, the wait for the bang and fizz can be agonising. Why not add the threat of a life changing injury into proceedings and reduce that fuse.

Still don’t feel the buzz of the danger?

You could always glue that firework to your hand before lighting it.