“It’s Fucking Christmas Now So Start Buying Shit” Shops Inform Public

455
0
Share:

THE RETAIL industry has wasted no time in informing the public it is the first of November, Halloween is over and now it’s time to ‘hand over all of your fucking money’, WWN has learned.

Shops around the country have in recent years made the decision on behalf of the Nation to start Christmas on the 1st of November with a barrage of ads, jingles and more ads, searing them into the public’s mind until they are on the verge of insanity.

“Just place all your savings on the counter, and we’ll give you some crap made in China in return and nobody has to get hurt,” the Retail Association of Ireland (RAI) revealed to the public, while pointing to a calendar.

“It’s the first of November and you know what that means, it’s fucking Christmas so start spending, and don’t be smart and say you’re not going ‘too mad’ this year. Don’t fight us on this,” the RAI added.

Large Tannoy speakers have been erected across Irish towns and cities, armed with subtle messages chosen to induce people into parting with their cash.

“Ah, they just say things like ‘spend, spend, spend’ and ‘your loved ones will hate you forever and disown you if you don’t buy them everything now’, played at a higher level than a Metallica concert on speed. We hope the public start to realise what time of year it is,” senior It’s Never Too Early For Christmas Shopping strategist Henry Mulcahy explained.

Share:
X