Wildlife To Be Renamed Wilddeath


WITH the number of animals in the wild plummeting by 58% between the years 1970 and 2012, the decision has been made to stop referring to animals as ‘wildlife’ and switch instead to ‘wilddeath’.

According to the Living Planet report from WWF and the Zoological Society of London, there’s not much point in trying to conserve animal life at this point, as humans have pretty much made it clear that industrialisation, fossil fuels, economic growth and phones that can look up porn at any given minute of any given day are more important than elephants and some sort of beetle that you’ve never heard of.

From 2017, all remaining animals across the globe will be classed as ‘bonuses’, and we should be living in a humans-only world by 2050.

“Ah, you’ll always have cats and sheep, domestic animals and livestock, those kind of things,” said Dave Jahon, spokesperson for the World Wilddeath Fund.

“But lions, gorillas, fuckin’… macaques and what have you, yeah, not much point in trying to save them. We did our best, people just don’t seem to be interested. There’ll be a big crying match when rich people go on safari in Kenya in 2065 and there’s nothing but trees and like, two crows, but it’s not like we didn’t fucking warn them, y’know?”

Following the change of wildlife to wilddeath, it was also announced that Mankind would be renamed Manpricks.