6 Signs It’s Christmas

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WE here at WWN towers CANNOT. BELIEVE. IT’S. CHRISTMAS. ALREADY. It sort of crept up on us this year, but safe to say we’re excited that it’s sooo close.

If you’re one of the 0.0004% of the population that’s late in getting into the Xmas spirit, we’ve got six signs it’s Christmas that you just can’t ignore:

1) The view from your bedroom window has been replaced with a giant advertising billboard which states ‘time to start spending money on shit you or the people you love don’t need’. You’ve also had to throw the television out as all programmes have been replaced with ads for expensive shit your kids want but you can’t afford.

2) Money lenders getting back in touch, in that polite phase of their relationship with you where they’re acting like they won’t cave your head in come January if you’re behind on your first repayment. We’d recommend Decco if you’re going to go with anyone, interest rates of 120% are not bad if you ask us.

3) Dragged into a shopping centre against your will by sales assistants pinning you to the ground and forcing you to hand over the credit card to buy shiny things for people you really don’t like.

4) Sinead in accounts has that look on her face, she’s not ready to say it yet, but she knows how many days are left until Christmas and will scream it from the top of her lungs when she feels the appropriate moment has arrived. The bitch.

5) John Lewis focus groups have stocked up on onions, and are forcing emotionally vulnerable people to watch their Christmas ad soundtracked to a Coldplay song, you know the one. Well, some Swedish woman has covered it and it’s a lovely, slowed down version. Any member of the focus group that fails to cry at the sight of a Syrian girl of Muslim faith being airlifted out of Aleppo by Santa will be shot on sight as they clearly have no soul.

6) Your daughter didn’t get the part as the Virgin Mary in the Nativity, even though you bought her teacher a bag of her favourite coke as a bribe. Instead that little slut Ella got the part. Fucking Ella? Can’t hold a note to save her life. We’d like to see what she can produce with only 11 weeks of rehearsals in front of her.

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