Beyoncé Shaded The Crucifix With A Telescope At The VMAs Last Night, And The Internet Crusted Its Roof Rack


PLUMBERS, cabinet makers, IT consultants, pontiffs and record-breaking free divers… nobody on earth could escape the flare of Beyoncé at last night’s MTV VMAs, as the viscountess of vicious beats rolled up a musical fat one and sparked that mother in front of a worldwide audience of billions.

The internet just flat-out ceased to function as Bey-on took to the stage and blasted through a succession of hit-tins from her stacked shelf ‘Lemonade’, in a world-hollowing performance that lasted for over 1/96th of a day.

From the moment she appeared on the red carpet in full portrait with no filter, Beyoncé completely owned the glitzy awards ceremony to such an extent that MTV had to ring Switzerland and invest heavily in its own stock, just to retain control of the company.

Fashion, music, celebrity and gossip blogs across the globe collectively sheared their sheep with every movement that BeYOncE made, with many Twitter accounts bursting into a cloud of digital egg yolks while trying to keep up with just how much genocide B was inflicting on us all.

“Holy fucking shit”, wrote one White House correspondent.

“I have lost the ability to form coherent sentences while basking in this woman’s aura. She truly is in command of NATO right now. She is the Manhattan project of fierce. She can melt steel beams. Look at the coins in your pocket right now; they’re fused together. Let’s eat ice-cream out of a hollow watermelon”.

Meanwhile, Beyonce’s husband Jay-Z did not attend the awards ceremony. This can mean only one thing; invasion.