Michaella McCollum Makes Start At Replying To 195,789 Unread Facebook Notifications


CONVICTED drug mule and former member of the Peru 2 Michaella McCollum has returned to her Tyrone home after her 2-year stretch in prison, and has begun working her way through hundreds of thousands of Facebook notifications while she was banged up.

McCollum, 23, is said to have developed carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands after clicking “not going” to the 50,000 event invites that were in her notifications, as well as the 60,000 times she was tagged in photos and videos during her incarceration.

“It all just builds up, and you can’t ignore any of it,” said McCollum, clicking ‘no’ to a seemingly never-ending sea of Candy Crush requests.

“You step away from your social media for a week, and you’ve got a lot of mentions to check. You get sent away for years after you get caught smuggling a kilo of pure cocaine out of a South American country and, well, look for yourself. 75,000 tags in photos and statuses and posts and fuck knows what else. I’ll be here all blimmin’ day hi”.

Once finished, McCollum will begin work on her back-to-school “how I spent my summer holidays” essay, expected to be a cracker.