Apple Stock Plummets Amid Fears Of New U2 Album


SHARES in tech giant Apple took an unprecedented tumble today, as Irish rock group U2 announced their next album was nearing completion, and could possibly see a release in September or October of this year.

The news sent icy blasts of pure fear through the souls of iTunes users worldwide, as they remembered the dark days and weeks that surrounded the last U2 album, which they were forced to receive in 2014.

With the release of the upcoming “Songs Of Experience” looking like it will skirt dangerously close to the release of the iPhone 7, markets across the world reacted violently amid fears that a repeat of the publicity stunt would send users screaming away from iOS in favour of an operating system that comes without any threat of Bono showing up in your record collection.

“Apple lost nearly $5bn of its worldwide value overnight,” said one flabbergasted stockbroker.

“CEO Tim Cook needs to step forward and assure people that the 14th U2 album will not be shoved into their iTunes like the last one was, or this sell-off is likely to continue for months. People worldwide are panicking. We’ve had reports coming in that some people heard about Songs Of Experience, and then immediately rushed to Ebay to try and sell their iPhones. And honestly, who could blame them?”

U2 frontman Bono was available for comment on everything, for those that wanted to listen to him.