Dyson Hand Dryers Recalled After Sucking The Life Out Of 23 People


Dyson has recalled the entire supply of their signature Airblade dryers after fatalities resulting from using the machines reached a staggering count of 23 this week.

The airblades became the market leader in post-piss hand washing drying technology after Dyson’s patented technology created a dryer which was more energy efficient than its competitors and dried hands in less than 10 seconds.

Unheated air travelling at 400mph helped make the airblade the hand dryer of choice across the world after its UK launch in 2006 and its US launch in 2007. However, the very thing that made it a success is now killing innocent hand drying individuals everywhere.

“The air circulation system is highly effective but there is a sweet spot within the airblade that causes the user to be sucked in by the 400mph air, and essentially the air is moving so fast, in a suction vacuum that the life is literally sucked out of the person using the dryer,” chief safety officer for Dyson John Hingley shared with WWN.

CCTV footage, too graphic to show our readers, is circulating online of Surrey pensioner Alvin Criggdon who was using a Dyson airblade in the toilet of his local cinema. Criggdon became the latest victim of the malfunctioning airblades when he walked passed the dryer.

“Mr. Criggdon was actually happy to stroll out of the toilet without washing his hands, the vileness of which we can talk about on another occasion, but he walked by the Dyson and it automatically switched on sucking him into its path and that was it – the life was sucked right out of him,” Hingley admitted.

Criggdon’s deoxgenated corpse was found by cinema cleaners and has become the final nail in the airblade’s coffin as a total of 1 million units have been recalled today.