5 Everyday Things You Can Claim Compensation For Right Now

EVERYDAY you get up and go to work, only to be greeted with a miserable, nowhere-near-big-enough paycheque at the end of the month. There’s got to be an easier way, right? Of course there is! All you need to do is be injured in some way, so that you can make a nice big compensation claim and get a huge wodge of cash handed to you.

But wait, you’re probably thinking ‘hmm, but I’ve never been injured at work or on the street’. Haven’t you? Maybe you have, and you just didn’t know it. Here’s some things you can claim for right now, to get your life of leisure started!

1) You smelled dog poop

You deserve to go through life in an olfactory wonderland, and nothing contravenes that right more than a big smelly dog turd. That’s emotional distress, right there. And you probably walked past ten poops today. Who is responsible for this? Lock yourself up at home and claim that you can’t go out because the smell is so bad. Watch the cash come rolling in.

2) The sun is too bright

‘Ow’, ‘oooh’, ‘eee!’ The sun! So scorching on your poor unprotected eyeballs! That’s gotta be worth a couple of grand. Sue the government for not adequately protecting your vision on hot days. Oh, wait, we’re not supposed to stare at the sun? I’m sorry, I didn’t see that written anywhere. If they don’t want to bother putting up signs saying don’t stare at the sun, then they’ll have to suffer the consequences.

3) You’ve shot yourself in the face

Somebody sold you a gun, and you went and shot your face off. Now, your self-esteem is so low you can’t face going to work. That’s a direct result of someone having sold you a gun. Get up them steps, it’s compo time. Should be good for at least 7 figures, even if now you can’t go back to your job as a newsreader.

4) You’ve summoned Xyhggghterax

Oh, fucking EXCUSE ME. I was just sitting here playing with a mysterious orb. Is it my fault that I summoned the evil sorceror Xyhggghterax? Is it on me, that I now owe him my immortal soul? This is unacceptable. Compo me, baby.

5) You’ve been offended online

This. Is. The motherload. If you’ve read something online and taken offence to it, you are entitled to some serious compensation. They can’t pay you back for hurting your feelings! Sue them! Get yours!