Office Banter: The Do’s & Don’ts
OFFICE banter! What would work be without it? Some say much better, but those killjoys are wrong.
Of course, there’s a few lines between banter and getting the sack, but if you’re the right side of it you could become the resident office legend! And who doesn’t want that title?
WWN has carefully crafted some basic do’s and Don’ts of the office banter scene, to help those in doubt to perfect helping their coworkers turn that frown banter side up:
Do: give that lad in accounts who clearly doesn’t like you an affectionate nickname like ‘Boring Prick’. Ah, don’t worry about any sort of complaints, he’ll come around to bantering eventually.
Don’t: photocopy your arse on the office printer, that is like anti-banter cliche central. Instead, put a dead bird in Joanne’s desk drawer. Joanne hates dead birds in her desk drawer, it’ll be hilarious.
Do: send a dick pic to everyone in the office with the caption ‘Banter’. It is illegal to fire anyone for sexual harassment once they invoke the banter defence. Plus, it’s hilarious, you’re only having a laugh sure.
Don’t: let a minute go by without interrupting someone doing work. You are making their day better by leaning over their desk and shoving your phone in their face. Playing a funny video on full volume for 3 minutes is good business practice. If they don’t see the funny side of graphic pornography dubbed with Bosco’s voice then maybe they should think about getting a new job.
Do: ease the tension in meetings by placing a fart machine in the office. Who else but a comical genius like yourself could think of something like that. Let the appreciative laughter wash over you. You know what, you might a promotion out of this yet.
Don’t: throw stuff at people from across the room. You’ll be seen and people will accuse of poor banter. They’re wrong, but they will accuse you nonetheless. Instead, when everyone’s out to lunch, bring a bull into the office and just let it roam free. Oh the faces on your coworkers when they get back. Imagine the bantering possibilities if one of them gets injured by the bull.
Do: think big. Was your coworker on compassionate leave after the death of their mother? Why not dig up her corpse and have it sitting in their chair for when they arrive in at 9am. Make sure to film the reaction. Classic banter.
Don’t: bring in a replica machine gun to work. You don’t want to risk your prank going wrong because some fucker in the office can spot it’s not a real gun. So buy the real thing, fire a few bullets into the ceiling. They’ll piss themselves, and then they’ll piss themselves laughing when you tell them it was only banter.
Do: avoid all forms of work.
Don’t: let the haters get to you.