Irish Fan Can’t Wait To Get Home And Start Some Fights


FOLLOWING Ireland’s defeat against France today, thousands of Irish football supporters are already making preparations for the journey home, but none more eager than 29-year-old Conor Woods.

“Being on our best behaviour really took it out of me,” Woods began, showing this reporter a video of him giving an elderly French woman a piggyback across a busy motorway, causing a seven car pileup. “We changed car tires, fixed dents in car roof’s that we made, cleaned up our own rubbish, serenaded locals from the streets while they tried to sleep, but one thing I can’t wait to do is crack some fucker’s head open outside a chipper when I get home”.

Woods, who admits spending most of his weekends drinking with his mates and shouting at Sky Sports, said he was glad Ireland didn’t get through, as he has a violent itch he needs to scratch.

“France is great if you’re on holidays and want somewhere to go to relax with the missus. There’s no one here up for the scrap at the end of the night,” he added. “There’s hardly any chippers, so no queues to get anxious over. Some bars don’t close at all here, so there’s no one on the street at 2am to fight. I’d hate to live here. What do they do for the bit of craic?”

Mr. Woods, who has several previous convictions for being drunk and disorderly, is expected to fly home tomorrow evening to Dublin, where he will then make the 12 hour journey back to his hometown of Sligo, where, unbeknownst to him, he is to receive a medal for behaving himself while in France from the town’s mayor.

“Many towns and villages across the country will be presenting returning fans with medals for their behaviour abroad,” Sligo Mayor Thomas Healy explained. “There will also be a 24-hour state of anarchy in place to allow Irish fans vent their built up frustrations, so we would advise people to avoid going out for the next few days, until it’s all out of their system”.