Brexit: What Happens Now?


AS Europe tries to make sense of Britain’s decision to leave the EU there are many unknowns to contemplate.

However, WWN is here to bring you a list of measures and actions that will be taken in the direct aftermath of the vote and in the years to come by the British government, the EU, and all other affected parties:

The EU and Britain have confirmed Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have been drafted in, in an effort to help both sides consciously uncouple.

Northern Ireland will be sold for scrap under plans drawn up by the UK parliament, and Scotland will be granted another independence referendum once they promise to stop deep fat frying everything.

All Premier League players from Europe will have to be given back, forcing the English Football Association to cut the Premier League down to one division.

Andy Murray will be the subject of a messy and drawn out custody battle between Scotland and English people who are unaware how geography works.

A total of 345 other EU member states will begin agitating for a referendum on their membership.

Sinn Féin have positioned large speakers in front of Westminster, which will loudly play Gerry Adams saying ‘Border poll’ on repeat until everyone is driven insane and gives in.

Thankfully, all illegal immigration to Britain has officially ceased. Immigrants have begun writing lengthy letters of apology to Leave voters, and will begin depositing thousands of pounds into their accounts by way of reparations.

BBC and ITV have been formally banned from showing any repeats of Allo Allo, and will cease to broadcast all those cool Scandinavian detective dramas everyone loves.

Within 5 years, depending on who is listened to, England will become a prosperous utopia, or England will begin to resemble a dystopian science fiction film which sees the rich eat the poor.

Some 300,000 Irish hipsters have had their hopes of moving to Shoreditch in London dashed, and will have to remain in Dublin, pretending to be cool around the Camden street area instead.

The Leave campaign has begun an extensive search for someone or something to blame for all of Britain’s woes in the coming years now that they don’t have the EU as a scapegoat.

The Irish government have insisted that any trade negotiations with Britain involve regaining custody of Graham Norton, and a cast iron guarantee that we can continue to export our abortion problem to the UK.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny also took out full pages ads in all major international newspapers reminding multi-national companies that Ireland is an English speaking country, and they can pay as little tax as they want if they relocate from the UK to Ireland.