How To Tell Someone They Smell

IT’S a famously delicate situation, confounded by the fact you don’t want to insult someone or hurt their feelings, just how do you tell someone they smell like a fish monger’s convention?

WWN is on hand to walk you through the process on a tightrope above a bed of egg shells:

Pinch your nose with your thumb and index finger and politely speculate on the source of the awful odour e.g ” pee ew, that’s rancid. What crawled up your hole, advertised your hole on AirBnb, had several hundred unhygienic people stay over and live in your hole before committing mass suicide?” It is a flawlessly polite way to open a discussion on how a person smells truly hideous.

Alternatively, you can monitor the route this person takes to work, school, college or elsewhere and make use of a little known technique called subliminal messaging. Simply spend upwards of €100,000 on all bus stop ad spaces, bus ads and big billboards and write a personalised and anonymous message, thus sparing the person’s feeling. “You fucking stink [insert person’s name here], take a shower” is something that will slowly creep into their subconscious, allowing you to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings or shaming them publicly.

Spray them heavily with air freshener anytime you come into contact with them. Once again, a subtle option that spares everyone’s blushes.

A probing question or two wouldn’t go astray either. Under the radar inquiries will do, that may awaken the person’s desire not to smell like shit. “Are you into bestiality at all Margaret? I hear it’s recommended you stay away from skunks when you do that sort of thing, the stink you’re left with afterwards. Would you know anything about that?” Is the perfect conversational lubricant which allows you to enter the thorny issue of why someone stinks up a storm.

My them a gift. Straightforward enough, simply buy 30 to 40 air fresheners and make a necklace out of them. Tell the person you’ve taken up arts and crafts and wanted to make them something as they meant a lot to you.

With these cautious steps, before time, you should see some results with the stinky acquaintance upping their hygiene game where vomiting at the near mention of them is but a distant memory.