Bernie Sanders Provokes World’s Largest “Ah Bless Him”


AN EXCLAMATION of “ah bless him” powerful enough to register on the Richter scale was recorded last night, after Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders vowed to stay in the race for the White House.

Despite being all but crushed in his bid for presidency by candidate-elect Hillary Clinton, Vermont Senator Sanders stated at a rally that he expected to “significantly diminish” the insurmountable gap between himself and Clinton, prompting a huge murmur of “God love him”, which lasted for nearly an hour, rippling across the world.

This was followed by the 7.4 magnitude quake of “ah bless him” as Sanders vowed to continue his fight for the presidential nod, with many eyewitnesses stating that the wall of empathy was strong enough to shatter windows and set off car-alarms.

“It’s just so moving to see him out there, thinking he still has a chance,” wept one Sanders supporter, who has come to terms with the fact that America may never again feel the Bern. “And none of us have the heart to tell him that Clinton has the nomination more or less sewn up. He’d save himself a lot of travel if he’d just chuck in the towel, but he’s determined to see out the rest of his rally dates. Sure, your heart would go out to him, so it would”.

Political analysts have weighed in on the subject, stressing that mathematically, Sanders could theoretically still edge out Clinton for the win, before adding “but seriously, yeah that’s not happening”.