A Complete & Definitive List Of All Of Enda Kenny’s Imaginary Friends


WE’VE come a long way since the first studies into imaginary friends were conducted in 1890s, for example, we now know imaginary friends are actually not real.

They are concocted by children to facilitate shifting blame, or simply reinforcing a child’s nascent view of the world and its many issues.

However, in adulthood, many men and women can fail to move beyond imaginary friends, and continue to particpate in flights of fancy. One such person is Ireland’s leader and Taoiseach Enda Kenny. Despite the best efforts of the world’s leading psychologists, the Mayo man entered the Guinness Book of World Records this year for most imaginary friends ever created.

IT is incredibly hard to keep track of all of Taoiseach Enda Kenny’s imaginary friends but WWN is here to provide a definitive list of all the figments of the Taoiseach’s imagination below:

Homeless man

The Taosieach reportedly sat and talked to a homeless man on a bench for 20 minutes last year. Although government insiders have since admitted ‘Deco’ was a figment of the Taoiseach’s overactive imagination and that ‘Deco’ had not told the Taoiseach he was ‘the bestest Taosieach that ever did the Taoiseach job in Ireland. Ever. Even better than Bertie’.

“We observed him for 40 minutes laughing on a bench on his own. It was remarkable. We intend to observe him more closely in future” – extract from Dr. Olaf Stranz’s patient notes.

Two pint man

For Kenny, deeply entrenched and stuck in a fixed state of dissociative behaviour normally exhibited in 5-year-old children who have just knocked over a vase and need someone to blame, the emergence of imaginary friends are very troubling.

None are a more vivid and colourful creation than that of the mythical ‘two pint man’. Two pint man was used by the Fine Gael leader as he sought to justify water charges, claiming Mr. Two pint man, a man with two pints in his hand, couldn’t really complain about water charges if he could afford a couple of pints.

“Enda has trouble acknowledging Mr. Two pint man is not real, we have witnessed him having several conversations with him whenever he needs to defend Irish Water. He also laughs at jokes two pint man appears to tell.” – extracts from Dr. Olaf Stranz’s patient notes.

Bucket man

Speaking in the Dáil, the Taoiseach explained to the house that a man on construction site had thanked him for getting the economy going again and that it was great to hear construction sites purring again.

“Enda should not be left alone to wander vacant ghost estates by himself, this is a worrying development. He is even making the sounds of drills, hammers and diggers himself” – extract from Dr. Olaf Stranz’s patient notes.

Thanks for forming a minority government man

The Taosieach recently claimed a man came up to him and thanked him for forming a government, when so many other politicians didn’t take the step to do so themselves.

“Even with the straight jacket on, Enda’s ability to inhabit his imaginary friends is equal parts impressive and disturbing. We may move him to a bigger padded cell if his imaginary friend Simon Harris can allocate more money in the budget” – extract from Dr. Olaf Stranz’s patient notes