Turfnado Headed For Midlands

A FREAK weather phenomenon is threatening to rain tonnes of peat down on the midlands later today, with Mullingar set to take the brunt of the bog-based storm.

Dubbed a “Turfnado”, the deadly storm formed after a category 5 tornado passed over the Bog of Allen, pulling huge amounts of turf into the air.

Some blocks of turf were clocked spinning at speeds of up to 190 kmp/h, breaking the previous turf air-speed record set by an Offaly turf farmer on the Bog of Allen in 1983 when his 5-year-old son wouldn’t stop messing with the horn on the tractor.

The swirling briquettes were carried into the centre of the country by the raging cyclone, where meteorologists fear they will soon come crashing down with the force of an O’Neills football at full blast to the face on a frosty morning.

“Mullingar, brace yourself… Storm Bord na Móna is headed your way,” warned Dr. Ian Reid, chief spokesperson for the Met Éireann weather anomaly branch.

“I tried to warn people for years, this kind of thing was just waiting to happen. All that turf, all those tornadoes, a turfnado was an inevitability. If you are in Mullingar, please, get inside and stay inside. Stay away from windows. Stay away from doors. Do not attempt to catch anything flying from the turfnado. This is not free turf. This is killer turf”.

UPDATE: Reports are coming in that the Turfnado has made contact with Mullingar, decapitating the Joe Dolan statue with a flying sod.