New ‘Heineken Light’ Perfect For People Who Are Only Sort-Of Twats


A BRAND-NEW ‘light’ version of Heineken has hit the shelves, aimed directly at people who aren’t total arseholes all of the time.

The new light Heineken, suitably named ‘Heineken Light’, promises the same Heineken taste, but with fewer calories, lower alcohol content, and less of a chance that people around you think that you’re a massive twat.

“Drinkers will be able to order a Heineken Light at the bar of their choosing without having everyone at the bar think, ‘oh, I didn’t know it was twatty hour'” said Michael Heineken, chief spokesperson for Heineken Light.

“Heineken Light will put people on about the same level as people who drink Coors Light, but nowhere near the level of popped-collar dickhead who orders Heineken, and certainly nowhere near the level of the cretins who order pints of Budweiser. It’s the perfect drink for someone who deep down knows they’re a prat, but who at least has the self-awareness to hate themselves on a deep level over it”.

Heineken have warned that any credibility saved while drinking Heineken Light is immediately revoked should the drinker refer to it as a “Light Heino” or worse again, a “Leino”.