Bride To Have Relaxed, Chilled-Out Wedding If It Fucking Kills Her

A DUBLIN bride-to-be has revealed that the day she walks up the aisle and marries her long-time boyfriend will have an ambience of relaxation and light-hearted fun, even if it requires months of knife-edge tension in a pressure-cooker environment.

Bridget Cannavan, 27, will wed Brian Hobson, also 27, on the 28th of November this year, on a day that will have a chilled-out vibe if it takes her every waking moment between now and then to organise it.

Cannavan began preparing for the wedding around this time last year, after her secondary-school squeeze Hobson finally proposed. From the moment she said yes, Cannavan insisted to everyone that she didn’t want a huge, elaborate wedding, but instead wanted a day that she describes as “totally chillaxicated”.

In a bid to achieve 100% total chillaxication on the day, Cannavan began months of preparation in which everything from flowers to cocktail sausages were pored over, in excruciating detail.

“Is turkey and ham more relaxed than roast beef? Someone fucking answer me!” yelled Cannavan to her one-man wedding support team. “Everyone has to have a great day, everyone has to just kick back and have fun and there has to be no fucking pressure on the day at all, zero pressure whatsoever.

“I know it’s only one day, but it’s one day that has to be relaxed and chill or else I’m going to fucking hate myself for the rest of my life,” she added.

To help prepare for her calm day of wedded serenity, Cannavan installed on a “doomsday clock” in her living room, moving the hands closer to 12 midnight to represent the mounting pressure of preparing.

As of today, the clock stands at 11:57.

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