WWN Guide To Flying Ryanair

DESPITE being one of the most frequently used airlines in the world, flying with Ryanair can still prove problematic for many customers. How much carry on baggage am I allowed to bring on a flight? Are you charged extra for a mental breakdown mid-flight? So many questions, so many incredibly well signposted hidden charges.

Leg reduction surgery

An obvious solution to leg room issues is to have a back alley surgery, which results in parts of your legs being hacked off. Ankles, thighs, kneecaps, whatever you’re having yourself. The key is to eradicate those pesky parts which make your journey unnecessarily uncomfortable in those spacious aisles and seats.

Book on 8 suitcases

You won’t need them all, it’s a huge additional expense, but you’ll only kick yourself if your main suitcase is over the pre-arranged and incredibly well sign posted limit. It’s typical of Ryanair that after telling you what you can bring on board that they then hold you to account for not adhering to the guidelines. Pricks.

Copy of your full body scan

Plenty of passengers forget this, but the usual passport won’t do for the low cost airlines. You must bring a copy of your full body scan and remember to fill out your bowel movement diary for the weeks leading up to traveling, they need that now for some reason too.

Quick, get in the queue

Yes, they have priority queuing for the millionaires. And now they assign you a seat anyway, but you just never know what trick those fuckers are planning to pull on you next. Sure, there’s no need to queue, but is there a queue to the no need to queue? That’s where they get you!

Stitch your passport to your skin

While you may have every faith in yourself to remember your passport, it’s no full body scan, but it’s still needed and you don’t want to leave anything to chance. With a needle and thread, simply stitch your passport into your skin, we recommend the arm, and reduce the worry of losing the damn thing.

Bombs

Still a firm ‘no’ on this one, we’re afraid.

Just give in to the unremitting grimness that is reasonably priced air travel

Give in. Give yourself over to Michael O’Leary, your grey haired punisher, who gives cost effective travel with the one hand, and takes your ability to stand up to repeated psychological tests and assaults with the other hand.