Dublin Canals Declared Temporarily Body-Free


THE waterways and canals around Dublin city centre appear to be free of dead bodies for the first time in ages, a source has confirmed.

Combined with a momentary pause in gangland violence, this has left the capital of the country 100% free of murdered citizens, prompting Gardaí to switch the alert status to “enjoy it while it lasts”.

In this brief rest-bite, happy couples were seen bringing their kids to the banks of the Royal Canal to feed the ducks and enjoy a picnic, without fear of spotting a head or limb bobbing about in the murky water below.

“We’re so used to hearing about all these grisly murders on our doorstep, we’re kind of immune to it,” said one Dubliner.

“Still, it’s nice to know that we’re momentarily safe for a little while, it’s a glimpse into how life would be if the guards were properly funded and were able to stop this city from sliding into an irretrievable pit of drugs and crime”.

UPDATE: The Gardaí have now updated their status to “that didn’t last long”.