ASK any culchie their favourite way to dine out, and the answer will always be the same, a big carvery dinner.
The humble carvery is suitable for all occasions, from when it’s payday and you’re sick of chicken fillet rolls, to your wedding anniversary, to the afters of a funeral. But head to Dublin city centre, and everything changes. Surrounded by Falafel huts and fancy restaurants selling kentucky fried quail, the average culchie may seek solace in a bar that offers a carvery lunch. While doing so, they may notice the following differences:
1) It’s more expensive
Like everything in the city, a carvery is way more expensive. You could pay an extra 5 euro on what you’d pay back home! Not only that, you don’t even get a free pint glass of diluted orange. Dublin is just the worst.
2) There is no such thing as a ‘half- portion’ in Dublin
For culchies, all Dublin portions are half portions, sometimes quarter portions. Farmers should order two or three plates if they want to get a decent feed in Dublin. Note: pints of milk are frowned upon; it’s a sign that you’re backward or ignorant to modern day health concerns and that you probably think parsley sauce is ‘fancy’.
3) Tip jars are for money and not racehorse names
In Dublin, customers sometimes donate a small gratuity to restaurant staff, even though they’re not dependant on it. This gives Dublin people a false sense of worth in their otherwise meaningless lives. Do not leave horserace names for the 4.30pm at Leopardstown in tip jars, unless of course it’s accompanied with money. Dubs love money.
4) You get mugged while you pay
Why did you leave the comforts of your home town, where everything was safe and warm? Why did you come to Dublin? There’s nothing for you here, except misery and death! You only came out for a darne of salmon, and you’ve ended up dismembered in the canal.
5) Your food is full of used syringes
You go to take a bite of your roast potato, and you get a hypodermic needle to the face. What the fuck is wrong with this town?
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