WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Shouting “ALLAHU AKBAR” on the bus does not go down well, even after you explain that you were only doing it “for the craic”.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Your wife leaves you after you spend 8,000 euro on old Scalextric sets. Still worth it. 

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Bank holiday coming up. Just keep telling yourself that. 

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your facial tattoo of a hash leaf has made job interviews a lot more interesting. 

leo

July 23 – August 22

You have left the George Foreman on.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You get struck out of your parents’ will after you invite them around to the house and offer them decaffeinated tea. 

libra

September 23 – October 22

You click “share on Facebook” under this Horoscope to share it with your friends on Facebook. Come on, this feature cost us fuckloads of cash. Use the fucking thing. 

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You agree to buy the thing your husband wanted, under the unspoken agreement that you can criticise it every time it gets used.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You go on a series of dates with someone you don’t like just so you can have someone to scratch your back. 

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You find that revenge is a dish best served at high velocity to the face. 

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your boss continues to hate you, and conspire to have you fired at the first opportunity. 

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Jennifer Lopez continues to fool you with the rocks that she got. 

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