21 March – 20 April
Shouting “ALLAHU AKBAR” on the bus does not go down well, even after you explain that you were only doing it “for the craic”.
21 April – 21 May
Your wife leaves you after you spend 8,000 euro on old Scalextric sets. Still worth it.
May 21 – June 20
Bank holiday coming up. Just keep telling yourself that.
June 21 – July 22
Your facial tattoo of a hash leaf has made job interviews a lot more interesting.
July 23 – August 22
You have left the George Foreman on.
August 23 – September 22
You get struck out of your parents’ will after you invite them around to the house and offer them decaffeinated tea.
September 23 – October 22
You click “share on Facebook” under this Horoscope to share it with your friends on Facebook. Come on, this feature cost us fuckloads of cash. Use the fucking thing.
October 23 – November 21
You agree to buy the thing your husband wanted, under the unspoken agreement that you can criticise it every time it gets used.
November 22 – December 21
You go on a series of dates with someone you don’t like just so you can have someone to scratch your back.
December 22 – January 19
You find that revenge is a dish best served at high velocity to the face.
January 20 – February 18
Your boss continues to hate you, and conspire to have you fired at the first opportunity.
February 19 – March 20
Jennifer Lopez continues to fool you with the rocks that she got.