WWN Guide To Smiling Politely When An American Says ‘I’m Irish’


IT may rank as one of the most infuriating experiences an Irish person can endure, but due to the high levels of foreign direct investment the Nation enjoys from America, you must continue to smile politely when a US citizen informs you that they are ‘Irish’ or face the possible ruination of our entire economy.

Such politeness is proving harder and harder to achieve, thus WWN’s guide to nodding and smiling in an effort to hide your displeasure could not have come at a better time:

“My granny was from, I think it’s pronounced ‘conny-mary'”

Don’t take the bait. That anger which has covered your every fibre like a warm, violent blanket is not to be trusted. When faced with an American harmlessly sharing with you their heritage you must reject your anger or face catastrophic fallout.

Do not correct their ear shattering mispronunciation of Connemara, instead think of the first time you ever saw a breast on TV or something, or in the cinema, yes, that’s it, Kate Winslet’s boobs in Titanic. Let the anger subside.

“It’s my first time here. Going to visit my second cousins 16 times removed, say, you couldn’t point me in the direction of a pot of gold, could ya? Ha ha”

Put down the knife. No, stop it. Christ, that’s a lot of blood. Jesus, yer man isn’t looking too good now. Clean your fingerprints off the knife and run. Don’t look back. Actually, wait, take their wallet, make it look like a mugging. Keep the head down, say nothing. This will all blow over in a few days.

“We’re so happy to finally be here to experience our heritage, you must be so proud of all your country has achieved here and abroad. The Irish people have given so much to the world”

OK, first off, shut the fuck up condescending us, you walking advertisement for weight watchers -that’s what you shouldn’t say obviously. Remember, calm, deep breaths. In a few short months from now there won’t even be an America anymore, because Donald Trump.

“My granddad was from Cork, but I won’t bore you with that bullshit, anyway you happen to know if the GPO is up this way, would you? Thanks”

Check. Out. This. Prick. Don’t let that anger in though, smile, smile, that’s it, and now give them directions to Tallaght, keeping smiling, That American is going to get so lost it’s not even funny. Good job.