WHEN Richard Branson’s pod crash-landed in the London suburbs over 65 years ago, little was known about the man from outer space, only that his eyes were spaced a little different, and his smile seemed a lot wider than his human counterparts.
Today, now one of the richest beings in the world, Branson opens up about his home planet of Zolthor, and reveals why he is so desperate to get back there, spending hundreds of millions of pounds in the process.
“I suppose, I’m a little homesick if I’m honest,” he tells me in his Virgin office, standing beside a map of some unknown galaxy. “I don’t remember much about getting here as I was cryogenically frozen for the journey by the elders. I just remember being told to save the people of Earth from themselves, which I tried, unsuccessfully.”
Adopted by a rather wealthy British family, Richard’s alien blood made him an outsider to most, but didn’t deter him from achieving his earthly goals.
“I realised quite quickly this planet was already fucked to the point of no return, so I said I’d make the most of my time here by becoming as rich as I could be,” he said. “Selling records was an obvious choice and I got very rich in a matter of years.
“Then I decided that I wanted to see about getting home, before this planet imploded on itself, so I bought an airline, thinking I could quickly advance into space travel in a manner of months.”
“How naive I was,” he added.
It wasn’t until twenty years later that Richard finally had enough money to start on his space travel project, Virgin Galactic.
“All I wanted to do is get off this God forsaken planet and to get away from the countless idiots that live here,” he explained, now pointing to several selfies of himself with celebrities hanging on his office wall. “Zolthor is such a nice, peaceful planet with very little violence and greed. We don’t use money there; everyone works for the collective consciousness, never wanting anything in return”.
However, on October 31st, 2014, Branson’s plans came to a hault when his experimental space flight test vehicle suffered a catastrophic in-flight breakup and crashed in the Mojave Desert, killing a crew member and seriously injuring the pilot.
“This was a terrible tragedy and setback for my plans in returning home,” Richard said. “I thought I’d be halfway to Zolthor by now, but no, I’m still stuck arsing around London, with the rest of the money chasing fools.”
Mr. Branson concluded that it will be at least another five years before he can finally depart earth for his home planet.
“I just hope Donald Trump doesn’t get elected in the meantime; otherwise there’ll be no planet to leave from,” he finished, wiping a single tear from his alien cheek.