“Easter Sunday Is Our Most Profitable Day,” Archbishop Slams 1916 Church Closures

A DUBLIN city archbishop has today slammed an Easter Sunday safety cordon put in place for 1916 commemorations, which will see six city centre churches closed on the most profitable day of the year.

“This is the equivalent of shutting down Smyths during Christmas,” Church of Ireland Archbishop of Dublin Michael Jackson told WWN this afternoon. “Who’s going to compensate our churches for the loss in revenue, the State? I doubt it.”

The Archdiocese said parishes in the city centre were told this week there will be no ready access to their churches on the day, forcing them to close their gates to donating worshippers.

“We have targets to meet here,” Jackson went on. “We’re in direct competition with other churches across the country and now the whole thing is fucked. Easter Sunday brought us in a cool mill last year in Dublin. Am I now expected to cover that with my own savings?”

Catholic churches that are accessible elsewhere in the suburbs, outside the cordon, will invite the clergy and congregations of those churches to join them, but said they will not share any of the day’s takings with their religious counterparts.

“We might be working for the same God, but the bank accounts are different,” Catholic priest Tadhg Holden explained today. “If we start sharing our cash, our Lord’s accountants will start giving out about the books and that, and we don’t want that. Those guys are fairly ruthless.”