“Contaminated Water Only Affecting Those Who Haven’t Paid Their Bills” – Irish Water

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IRISH Water has confirmed that as many as 400,000 people may have been exposed to potentially harmful levels of trihalomethanes, known to cause a variety of cancers, in their water supply.

However, in order to ease the panic this sort of news may cause amongst the public, Irish Water’s team of PR specialists did all they could to reassure people.

“There’s no need to worry, this triathlete business, or whatever it is called, won’t have affected anyone who has paid their Irish Water bills,” explained Irish Water spokesperson Niall Walton.

However, Irish Water strongly denied that the toxin levels in the water supplies of those refusing to pay the water charges were part of a concerted effort to put pressure on non-bill payers.

“Oh God, no. Jesus, that makes me sad you’d think we’d do that,” Walton added, “no, this is just a coincidence. A most marvellous coincidence… now, please, make sure to pay the bills who you haven’t done so already”.

Irish Water research seen by WWN also proved conclusively that all exposures to trihalomethanes can be reversed by paying water charges in full, the sooner the better.

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