5 Ways To Keep Your Seat On Public Transport


IF there’s one thing worse than public transport, it’s public transport during rush hour, when seats become scarcer than honest politicians. And getting a seat is only half the battle; if you’re lucky enough to get somewhere to sit, you have to fight to keep it from a seemingly never-ending procession of elderly people and pregnant women. Here’s a few tips to ensure you get to read your Kindle from the comfort of a sitting position on the way to or from work.

1) Never look up

This is the simplest way to keep your seat; just never look up. That woman standing in the aisle who is clearly 8 months pregnant doesn’t exist if you don’t see her. That elderly man with the walking stick, trying to keep his balance as the bus goes round a corner? If you can’t see him, he’s not there. And nobody can make you feel bad for not offering these people your seat; you didn’t see them! You’ve been staring at your lap the whole time!

2) Just ignore people

Ok, so you looked up. And you locked eyes with a young mother struggling to hold a toddler in her arms with a bag of shopping pinched between her feet to stop it from falling over. Society states you should give this woman your seat; it’s the right thing to do. But you’re tired! It’s been a long day for you, too. So just ignore anyone who you should give your seat to. They can’t force you to get up, you’re not breaking any laws!

3) Pretend to be asleep

Zzzzzzz… don’t interrupt me please… having a sleep here… go bother someone else for a seat… This kid right here is in sleepytown…

4) Chant

Get weird. Nobody approaches weirdos. Chant something; it doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t even have to be in English. Combine it with a rocking motion and you’ll be in seat heaven all the way home. Ramma ramma ramma ramma ramma ramma!

5) Soil yourself

A surefire way to keep your seat is to make it undesirable to anyone else. There are many ways to do this, but the safest option is to just void your bowels in one swift, loud go. It may be uncomfortable to sit in your own dirt all the way home, but at least you didn’t have to give your seat to someone who needed it. Hell, you’ll probably have a whole aisle to yourself if you do it right.