5 Things Nobody Tells You About Being Eaten By A Snake


GETTING swallowed alive by an anaconda or a python might seem like great craic, and don’t get us wrong; it is. But there are a few things that really takes the gloss off the whole experience. Such as;

1) There’s no phone reception

They may look like nothing more than a colourful wavin pipe, but trust us; snakes are TOUGH. They’re basically 100% mickey muscle. That makes them a snug place to lie down in, but it plays hell with your phone reception. Wifi reception is non-existent, and forget about 3G.

2) It stinks

Damn snake, what you been eating, son? It stinks like several animals have slowly died in here. Granted, a snake is one of the only animals that can eat you without first biting you into thousands of little pieces, but we’d gladly be torn asunder by a lion before we’d let ourselves be eaten by a snake again. Smells like the side of the road four miles outside Slane on concert day in here.

3) Snakes are full of pro-life literature

Look, if you don’t believe in abortion, then that’s your call. Some of us are pro-choice, and would prefer to let women decide what they do with their bodies. Snakes, well, they’re just lined with anti-abortion fliers. We’d rather not have this rammed down our throats while they ram us down their throats.

4) It makes you racist

You go into a snake, you’re the most tolerant person in the world. You spend ten minutes in the belly of a python, and all of a sudden it’s ****** this, **** that, “what’s up with all these fucking ****** these days”…. you’re ashamed of your life, but what can you do?

5) The price goes WAY up after the first one

Get all you want from your first digestion inside a snake, because nobody tells you how expensive the second time is going to be. That’s where snakes make all their money, you see. On the comeback. Sneaky bastards.