5 Ways To Exploit The 1916 Anniversary For Your Own Monetary Gain
THERE has been some real concern amongst the Irish business community that people aren’t doing enough to exploit the 100th anniversary of the 1916 Rising for their own monetary gain.
Some critics have attacked brands for not reproducing the proclamation on enough cheap tat made in China, luckily WWN is on hand to help any business or individual who feels they aren’t doing their bit to help celebrate a historic event through the prism of making money:
1) Start a tour
A huge influx of tourists is expected this year and there is no better way to earn a few euros off the back of the executed leaders than by setting up your own 1916 tour. Don’t worry about doing research, these foreigners haven’t a clue. The Spire? A decommissioned nuclear weapon almost used by those filthy Brits. Worried that Irish people may attend your tour and discover the scam? Not a bother, they haven’t a clue about what happened during the Rising either.
Recommended price: €60 per ticket. €30 per photo of the GPO.
2) Has a relative of yours recently died?
If so, then you’re in real luck. Hold on to that body and casket and bury them in your back garden. Erect a sign outside your house stating that your back garden is the final resting place of Tómás O’Something who was definitely in the GPO during the Rising and watch the euros flow in.
Recommended price: €10 for closed casket, €25 if you want to go with an open casket.
3) Make that proclamation work for you.
Where better to put the ideals and hopes the Rising leaders had for an Irish Republic than on a big of bog roll. Lovingly reproduce the proclamation on some toilet roll, giving people the ideal chance to catch up on some history as they plonk themselves on the toilet seat. Wiping will of course only bring them closer to our fallen heroes.
Recommended price: €8 per bog roll.
4) Work 1916 into your company’s strengths.
Run a tattoo parlour? 1916 forehead tattoos for everyone! Are you a dentist? Dental braces in the shape of Padriag Pearse for everyone! Get those thinking caps on and charge whatever you like. There’s no monetary cap on patriotism.
5) Commemorative everything!
Running out of ideas? Look around you, everything is a potential 1916 money making scheme. 1916 socks! 1916 iPhone covers, 1916 omelettes, 1916 condoms. A 1916 themed sex shop – jackpot. Connolly nipple clamps. Lovick Friend cock ring. ‘The Plunkett Pulveriser’ dildo. The sky is the limit.