Ireland To Be Allowed Burn One Bondholder Just To “Get It Out Of Our System”

A SPOKESPERSON for the ECB has announced that at long last Ireland will be allowed to impose a “haircut” on payments to a senior bondholder bailed out by the taxpayers, in the hope that this will allow the Irish people to “get it out of their system” and quit going on about it.

Ireland was warned by the European Central Bank not to impose losses on senior bondholders following the catastrophic banking crisis, despite the fact that most of these bondholders were simply private investors who had gambled on the stock market and lost.

A bailout program costing the taxpayer some €65 billion was eventually used to prop up the Irish banking system, despite calls from many to simply allow those who invested recklessly or unwisely to face the consequences of their actions instead of being repaid.

The issue of bondholders was raised again this week following the release of the independent banking inquiry, which found that Irish ministers were unjustly pressured into accepting the unfair stipulations of the bailout. To head off any protests about the onerous debt, officials from the ECB are to allow Ireland to renege on repayments to just one bondholder, in a bid to get them to “give over about it”.

“You can impose a 75% haircut on Kettihal Trading Incorporated,” said ECB spokesperson Fassilo Pregahzi, speaking about a deal that would save the Irish people a total of €225,000.

“And that is it, that’s your lot. We don’t even have to let you do that much, but we just want you to get it out of your system and quit bugging us over it. I swear to God, we don’t get nagged this much about anything else. So there you go, you can say you burned a bondholder. Build a bridge and get over it”.

Minister for finance Michael Noonan has taken full credit for the savings, and awarded himself a little something extra in this year’s forthcoming budget.