Gay People Should Have Their Own God Damn Toilet – Masculinist Tony Kennedy

In this week’s column, masculinist Tony Kennedy cast’s his eye over the problem of gay men urinating in the men’s toilets

My name is Tony Kennedy and I’m a masculinist, not a homophobic.

I just wanted to get that out there first, before ‘you know who’ kicks off.

This week, I want to raise the issue of gay people using normal people toilets. I’m all for treating everyone with respect, but for the love of God, can we not just build them their own God damn toilet?

Let’s face it, gay men have been getting away with murder for decades now and it’s time for us real men put our foot down when it comes to privacy. After all, you wouldn’t allow a man into a woman’s bathroom, would you? So why leave a gay man into the men’s?

My idea is simple: build an extra toilet for them. Have it laced with scented candles. It’s raining men played on loop. Free lube. They can share it with the lesbians too, so both normal men and women get their privacy. Everyone’s happy and no one is uncomfortable anymore about being ‘turned’. It’s a win win situation.

For instance, the other day I was in the Shelbourne for a meeting, when some well chiselled lad comes into the men’s bathroom, wearing Antaeus Chanel for men cologne. He was whistling track four from Lady Gaga’s Cheek To Cheek album. My bladder immediately went shy. I could feel the hairs on my hand tingling as he brushed up beside me. Straight away I noticed his waxed nether region, hairless like a baby’s arm and tanned as the day is long. I couldn’t help but feel self conscious about not being able to pee. I was just standing there. Quiet. Wishing the whole experience would just be over. A fart left my buttocks as I tried to force myself. My face reddened. Finally, he left and I could continue to urinate, despite my semi-erection (I read once that nervous tension can cause erections for some reason. It was in a magazine at the doctors).

I think we’ve all been there and are just too afraid to say anything in case we get branded as a homophobe. And I don’t think I’m being unfair when I say this, but no one should be made feel self-conscious or aroused when having a pee. It’s meant to be a calming moment; not one filled with anxiety and the fear of being chatted up by another man, who obviously only wants to tickle your prostate with his throbbing member.

Let us change this system now for the greater good.

Besides, I’m pretty sure those gay boys would jump at the chance of having their own toilet. Imagine all the things they could do to each other in there. It makes sense to me.